As 2015 inches near, I want to look back at all that I went through this year of 2014 and just reflect everything I saw, went through, felt, what ran through my mind at that moment and everything. Even now thinking about it makes it seem like it's a story that's not real coming to life that isn't possible but that's where it's all wrong. It is possible, it is real, it is a story but it's my story, my life. I'm going to share it with you all. My name is Brittaney Peacock but some of you may know me as Brittaney Hill.
On January 1, 2014 I was spending the day with family at my Great Grandmother's house and was sitting on the couch on my laptop, this laptop and was on Facebook trying to look up my eldest cousin named Samantha in hopes of trying to reconnect, get in touch with the family that I hadn't seen or spoken to in over 12 years. To get you all to understand a little background history is needed. The last time I saw my Dad was when I was 9 yrs. old, the last time I saw my Grandmother and Aunt is when I was 8 yrs old a few days after my Birthday and the rest of the family I can't even remember at what age I was when I last saw them. I never met Samantha but I had this vided picture memory of what she looked like when she was younger, long blond hair, blue eyes, and I can picture her face.
So come 2014 I came across this woman named Samantha she didn't have the last name Hill because before I had known she was married, well this person I sent her a message saying this may sound weird but are you the daughter of a Paul G Hill Jr, and the granddaughter of Mary Kate and Paul G Hill Sr? And well she replied and came back saying yes I am, I know you're mother her name is Kim. So that began the long search I held up for three years trying to get in touch with family. Now let me back up one more time to the year before 2013, I had contacted my Aunt Susan and Cousin Chante and had asked them to pass a message along to my Dad but they refused and still wanted nothing to do with me as it is the same even now, so fast forward 2014 I am talking to my Cousin who I never met but had talked to over the phone just a few years before.
I then found out that she had two daughters which meant I had younger second blood cousins which meant a lot to me. I asked her if she was in touch with anyone in the family? She said she talked to her dad and Kurt but not to often. So I thought to myself If I can talk to Kurt he just might be willing to have a relationship with me and may even tell my Dad I'm wanting to talk to him. Samantha gave me Uncle Kurt's phone number and I called him, asked do you know who this is? At first he said yes but I think he was confused so I said it's Brittaney you're niece, Kyle's daughter.
He had said that he knew I'd be calling because Samantha's mom told him, so I told him my reasons for calling and that I wanted to talk to my dad. I sent a few pictures so he can show my Dad what I look like now after all these years. He gave my dad my phone number but I was so impatient I asked Kurt to give me my dad's number so I could call him myself and so I did. My dad was very I wouldn't say scared but not sure what to expect more so if he was to talk to me. So in mid January I was at the movie theater with my Mom and as the film was ending I checked my phone and had saw my dad called and left a message and I called him back right there while trying to walk out of the theater.
I was so over whelmed I had butterflies in my stomach because I was so scared, nervous, excited all at the same time speaking to my dad who I had for so long wanted back in my life, but had so much hate and anger towards him for the mistakes, and things he had said just years before that no child should have to know or hear. In the moment talking to my dad getting closure and everything. All my pain, hate, anger left as if a demon was inside me for so long that an angel took it all away and I was finally free, new. My dad was skeptical about having a relationship with me and I had to give him a choice either you be apart of my life now while I'm giving you the chance because I don't want you contacting me 5, 10 years down the road and say then now I want a relationship with you when I'm giving you the chance right now. My dad took the chance right now and we talked, I got to know him and some of his hobbies and favorite footballs teams, I even talked with my dad about God, religion, the bible etc.
My dad said he was more spiritual than religious but he believed in God, Jesus and The bible which was Awesome. At the time we started talking I was still working at Wal-Mart which I later ended up quitting from but anyways. My Dad and I talked for a good couple months not to say it was easy because it wasn't, we had some people interfering with our relationship, his mother for one and long behold his sister, they were against us talking even before we started. My Grandmother Mary Kate left a horrible unloving message on my phone calling my white trash, threatening me if I ever call back I will regret it, ha I laugh at it now and I'll tell you why later on. I thought to myself after hearing the message she left I was like that's not so much surprising she's always been on the crazy I'll kill you kind of whack side of the tracks, let me say it this way bad blood runs in the family on her side through DNA and I think a lot of it has to do with the way she was raised and the fact her husband my Grandfather passed away do to Cancer just a few years before. So even though we had these obstacles to over come, we talked. My dad told me he was slowly dying because he had liver disease and I had offered up half of mine as a transplant but my dad being my dad had said he had plenty of people that could help him out.
Now over the course of January I was blessed with two little surprises that some would call maybe even a curse but I don't see it like that. A few weeks before these little miracle came to be about. I had adopted two black and white female baby sister rats who I decided to name Trinity and Destiny. A week after I adopted them I had thought Destiny was a boy so I took her to Petco to have Zach sex her for me because I had no idea how to sex rats myself, he had said he didn't see any nipples and she then was a he. I brought "her", then known has a him home and put him with my two other rats Greyson and Tanner. Come January 12th after spending the entire day with my friend Robert for his 21st Birthday I came home around midnight. I checked on my rats to give them fresh water, food etc. Heard little squeaks not being sure what was going on I saw Greyson had a stripe of blood on his back, was like what the hell did you get in a fight with one of the other boys? I starting taking out the shelves of their cage and came across two tiny pink baby rats! Now being someone that was still new to owning rats, and hadn't planned for babies I was shocked, going off and everything, called one of my friends and asked for advice. The first thing I did is I took those boys Greyson and Tanner out of the cage because Destiny who then at the time while being thought to be a boy was named Bentley. She was stressing so I then took the babies put them in a 10 gal tank and then moved mama as I now call her in with her pups. Over the course of these beautiful babies growing up I kept track of each stage and even learned how to sex rats and just when they we're a few days old I checked to see what sex they may or may not be. One was a boy and the other a girl. I ended up naming the boy Jeru short of January Bentley after his mom Greyson after his dad, and the little girl I named Sundaylyn Penny Rose after the day they were born. Now they are all grown up nearly 1 yrs old.
Now getting back to my Dad, he ended up getting put in jail for a few days because of an argument that broke out between him and his mom. So I kept checking status on the whole ordeal. Finally when he was free he called me. The convocations my dad and I often had we talked a lot about the passed, forgiveness, and my mom and other things. My dad was wanting to talk to my mom and so they were able to talk, they had a convo but someone snuck up behind him to listen and I'm sure you could guess who? His mother who else. She was always wanting to keep tabs on him when it came to who he was talking to and what he was doing etc. Like a ordinary control freak. My dad had expressed to both my mom and I many times how he wanted us back as a family, how he loved us, etc. I felt my dads pain because I wanted that too, but I knew we wouldn't ever have it because of people in the way. Now over the course of the next few months my dad starting acting weird, saying things he wouldn't normally say, then one day I called my dad and I asked him why are you shutting me out, acting like this, are you drunk? He replied he wasn't ready for any of this, he didn't want it, and he told me to go find some other fucker to be my dad and hung up. That was the last convo I ever had with my dad, now from time to time I still texted my dad for his Birthday on May 5th, and Father's Day and my Birthday and that was the last time I recall texting him. But I still talked to Uncle Kurt, Ben who I learned about the year before, and Samantha.
I adopted 3 mice this year from a breeder, they were sisters named Patches, Minnie Boo and Buttons, but being as they were mice they didn't live long and I said after the last one goes I'm not going to get anymore mice. I also adopted a few more rats of the course of the year, both sexes boys and girls. I adopted a white male I named Sr Rufus Rhodes but after two weeks of having him he died for unknown reasons, these things just happen in rodents. So after he died I adopted other while male named him after Rufus but I called him Chance, because he is my second chance. I also adopted rats I named Presley, Remington, Templeton, Sandeno, for males and girls, Coco, Ginger, Reigna, Hazel, Baeija, Lily-Anna.
This year I added two new little hamsters to my rodent family, Domino and Venny.
Over the course of this year I lost a fare share amount of pets, my 3 mice, 3 rats, 1 lizard, a kitten, and a dog and a few hamsters. The deaths of my pets started on January 3rd with Zarek a robo hamster, Lunas a bearded dragon lizard, Bailey a Russian hamster, Minnie Boo mouse, Patches mouse, Sr Rufus Rhodes a rat, Juna a robo hamster, Pearl a rat, Xeno a robo hamster, Misty a toy poodle, Hazel a rat and a kitten I tried to save from being ran over I named Salem.
Now is where the tough stuff starts with in the month of August, 2014. In August I started my conversion into the Catholic Faith with attending RCIA, through this course it has opened my faith, trust, love, hope everything spiritually about me was closed before I cam to this process and God has opened me completely because before when something bad would happen to me I would blame him but through the RCIA I didn't close myself off to God or blame him. Trust me you will see that my faith in God has and was tested this year from August onward. In early August I lost a close family friend who was battling lung cancer, he was like a grandfather to me. His name was Mr. Hayne, I was celebrating my baby cousin Liam's 3rd B-day when I got the call about Mr. Hayne's passing and I broke down into tears. I took it so personally because I was close to him but also my own Grandfather passed from cancer so it hit hard on me. Then my last mouse Buttons passed away in late August, A day or two later I found out the worst news I would come to not believe, question, learn I was lied to, betrayed, my rights stolen from me everything lead up to this very moment, on August 28, 2014 the night I got back from going to RCIA class. I was up late and was messaging my Uncle Paul, Samantha's dad asking him why are you rejecting me like you mom, sister and my dad? He replied saying he was very sorry, and everything and he had something he had to tell me. I' in my mind thought oh well he wants my number to call me just to tell me he wants nothing to do with me. So I replied if you're going to call me just to reject me just do it over Facebook it's easier. He said it was nothing like that. I replied saying okay, if it is something with the family or my dad sure call me. He said it was about my Dad, I said well if he needs a transplant by all means I'll do it. Then the vibe in my room, my body and soul changed to this dark cold vibe as if something horrible happened. He said it was much worse than my dad needing a transplant and so I told him call me right now. He did, I point plank asked my Uncle Paul " Did My Dad Die?". He said yes honey he did, I'm so sorry you have to find out like this, all I could think to ask was how, when , where, and why?! He said that my Dad died on August 23rd, that rumors had surfaced over on Facebook about my Dad's passing and that's how Uncle Kurt found out and then how I found out referring to Uncle Paul who then told me. Uncle Paul knew as little as I did. He said it could either have been from natural causes or suicide. I was trying to hold back my emotions because I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold myself together. I then went while still on the phone with my Uncle Paul went into my Mom's room woke her up and she saw my face red as it could be, tears rolling down, stuttering on my words, finally got off the phone with him and my mom asked what's wrong, what's going on, who was that. Now me breaking down wasn't really able to form words I was in shock, disbelief, the whole nine yards. It took me a few times to answer my mom's questions and I told her Dad's gone, he's dead, he died. Not believing it I called my Uncle Kurt at like 2 A.M asking him if this was true because no one should play a sick joke like that on no one, so he called me back and so did his wife. They explained to me how they found out and how they had to call the Medical Examiners Office just to confirm it and go down there. Their own Sister and Mother didn't have the heart/ courtesy to tell them referring to Uncle Paul and Kurt that their brother my Dad Kyle passed away. Now I was calling everyone I could the following day the Medical Examiner and came to find out they didn't even know my dad had a daughter, because Mary Kate "Grandmother" lied on legal documents saying my dad had no kids, which by law then took my legal rights away from me, making me not be able to decide on either my dad be buried or cremated let alone getting his remains and belongings. I then called to get copies of the death records etc. Everything and called lawyers to help me build a case which is still in the works right now. Still being in disbelief I called and kept tabs on updates on my dads death case to find out what the cause of death was and this took months stressing, kept saying if it comes back as suicide I would never forgive him because it would then mean he took everything away from us what I had hoped for in the future, but I'd also blame him Mother and Sister for pushing him so far to the edge for him to do such a thing, a few months before I told my dad don't think of doing something so stupid and he said he wouldn't ever do anything like that. So you could imagine what I must be going through not knowing anything etc. Going out of my mind calling the medical examiners weekly to check status on my dads results, spoke to the doctor twice over the course of it all. Now while still waiting for the results of my dads cause of death to come back, that wasn't the end of death facing me in the face.
In September I went to the Houston Motor Sports to watch races where anyone can race, and there was this nice 1967 Comoro and you know that baby was nice and fast and damn it she was. She was blue and white, named "Mighty Mouse", the driver was "David Minx". As he races down the track something went wrong and my mom saw water fly up and we knew he maybe had hit something at the end so it raised a lot of questions for everyone. Me and my mom went to get a drink etc., and find out if anyone knew anything. People were saying their closing because he died, so we called my Uncle Keith to let him know what's going on so we could go. Well we decided to go see the car and damage that was done as best as we could because this was at night time so it was hard. We stood there for a few hours watching medical crews his family, friends screaming, crying the whole nice yard. I debated if I even wanted to ever go back because not only was it my first time at a race track ever, it was my first witnessing a car accident and death of someone in a matter of seconds which turned into that mans final moments. It was a eye opener and life opener on so many levels. They say when one experiences death a lot in their life it could me death is upon them and so with the death of so many already I started feeling scared etc. that maybe my time was near.
After the death of David Minx, I would soon face death again with the loss of Pearl my rat, loss of Xeno one of my very first hamsters, trying to save a pure black kitten from being hit, the guy in front of us slammed on his breaks, we didn't know why until he yelled it was a kitten. I told my mom pull over, I got out and checked the kitten who was still moving, breathing but very week no signs of visual injury not to say there wasn't any in side injury to the kitten. I don't know if the kitten as a boy or girl but I named him Salem and took ownership of him and laid him to rest. Then came November.
In November, I finally found out the cause and ruling of my Dad's passing and I think deep down I felt it was the truth the case, did I want it to be true, for it to come to life no, not in a million years. The reason I say not in a million years is because I'm a huge spokesperson on the topics that stands against Suicide so for me to think my Dad would have done such a thing would kill me inside. But the truth came to light my Dad's death was ruled as Suicide, I'm not going to play funny business and lie about it because it is what it is. My deepest fear came to light through my Dad's death of him killing himself, you may ask how in what way did he commit suicide because their are so many ways. He didn't shoot himself or hang himself, he either intentionally or accidently overdosed on some meds he was taking for pain and stuff, and died in his sleep. It is hard even now being it is 5 months after his passing it is still beyond hard because of the Holidays, and just in general because he was my Dad, my only Dad that I hoped one day he'd walk me down the isle, meet his grandkids etc, but it was God's will to call him home. My dad is free now from any hostages that held him against his will, his wants, dreams, desires to have his family back etc. Now I can talk to my dad anytime with out anyone lurking behind him, spying on him, etc. There is one thing that no one took from me and that is the fact I got to write my Dad's Obituary, I included in it a poem I had wrote about the passing and loss of a loved one after I lost Shadow. I thought it would be more personal more meaningful if his Obituary had a hand written poem not by some unknown person but by me his daughter. Here is the poem I shared with my dad in his Obituary.
You’re Gone
but not far away
you’re the wind that blows in every direction
you’re the stream that flows upward and downward
you’re the sun that rises in the east and sets in the west
you’re the moon that shines all night
you’re the grass that’s always so green
you’re the cloud that makes shapes
you’re the rain that cleans the earth
you’re the snow that whitens the world
you’re the spirit in all of us
you came and gone
you’re near but not far
you’re the waking moments
you’re the evening moments
we cry for you’re not here
we mourn for what could be but not for what was
we miss all the things you were, could have been
although you’re not physically here your spirit is
it’s everything and every where
you’re gone
but not far away
we’re happy for the time we did spend with you
you left us with all such good memories
you’re gone
but not far away but near
you’re always with us, never forgotten
you’re missed
you’re loved
you’re here in spirit with us all
never far away, near
you’re everywhere that our eyes can see, our ears can hear, our heart can feel and our nose can smell everything on this earth
that’s what matters now, you’re at rest, peaceful
be good and we’ll see you and be with you soon
you’re gone but not far away
Another thing I learned this year is I would have 3 siblings, 2 elder siblings and a young half sibling. Now this is coming from someone that never wanted siblings to begin with because honestly I already have one, is she my sister biologically no, she is my aunt if you want to get serious then yes she is. She and I grew up together, we're 4 years 4 months apart, we fought like sisters did things like sisters and still do. So for my mom to tell I would have had siblings I was mixed with emotions, feelings, thoughts. It took me a while to be okay with it, accept it, and live with. Did it change a lot of things in my life, the way I look at some people, etc yeah it did. Do I view myself as my moms first child and only child no, do I view myself as my grandmothers first grandbaby no, do I view myself as the first great granddaughter/baby no, do I view myself as the only niece no, do I view myself as an only child not anymore, do I look at my mom, and family differently on some level of course I do who wouldn't after being told such huge news, feeling lied to, betrayed, etc. Makes me question my trust in them and what other possible secrets could they be holding from me? After I was told that I felt some kind of reasonability for them being now I am a little sister and a big sister. Now I feel like I owe them something or whatever? I don't think so but now if I don't it makes me feel guilty with myself. I did how ever as nuts as it maybe I thought you know everyone needs a name baby or not old or young, alive or dead. These babies need a name, so me and my mom compiled 2 names per baby incase they are boys or girls. The eldest if a boy would be named after our Dad but instead of the Middle name Franklin he would have the middle name Graves, and If a girl it would be Katelyn Leeann, and the second eldest would be Brandon Lee Elkins for boy and for a Girl would be Abigail Jeanette and for the youngest if a boy would be Tristan James Keith and for a girl Makayla Reign.
My Great Grandma's dog Misty who we all loved so damn much was sick, they took her to the vet and said they might have to put her down and I fell apart, that was my breaking point. I was so strong for so long I couldn't be strong anymore, I ended up angry at God, begging him, everything I used to feel I was doing at that moment. And it just so happened to fall on a Thursday a day I had RCIA class. Not sure if I was going to go or be able to go. My Aunt Connie offered to take me and she asked if I wanted to go up to the vet to say goodbye to Misty, and so I did I got to say goodbye to Misty even though it was so hard just like it was two years prior when we had to say goodbye to Shadow for the same reasons. I then went on to RCIA, wasn't really able to focus in class because I just had Misty on my mind. Eyes and face was red, everyone asked are you okay I said no we had to put our dog down today.
Then followed the death of Hazel one of my other sweet rats who passed away on Christmas Eve as Xeno passed on Thanksgiving. You know the weird but kind of odd funny thing is about Poodles and Thanksgiving for my family? The three poodles we've owned over the years have all died around or on Thanksgiving. First was Princess who died on Thanksgiving back in 2004, then Shadow a few days afterward in 2012 and Misty a week before. It's very odd.
Just a few days ago I learned that one of middle school teachers who is now one of my great friends since 2007 lost her eldest and only son the day after Christmas. I sent her a message saying how sorry I am for her loss, that I understand her pain just vise visa with me losing parent. The pain is the same just opposite. I said if there is anything I can do just let know. Her son was only 2 years old than me which is odd, a young man lost his life being so young. But the only thing we can do is pray about it, know that God has reason and purpose to take him just like he did by giving him to the world, to his amazing parents and family. I don't believe I ever met Geri's son but I know Geri and her Daughter Michelle, twhole family is in my thoughts and prayers. I've even have asked my family and church and friends to pray for her & her family through this tough time. Her son's name was Damian.
Some other things that happened to me this year and for my family is, we welcomed two new bundles of joy into the family which was exciting. I had my right of welcome into the Catholic Church which meant I could officially say I am Catholic. I have met so many amazing people through this course, I'm in the bible timeline bible study, and apart of other groups in my Church Parish which is awesome, fun, inspiring etc. I had my first ever panic attack this year which was not fun. I have a very nice sponsor through RCIA her name is Felice, her Husband is in RCIA class with me which is cool, they have 3 wonderful kids. Kathryn one of the RCIA leaders that led me through the first part of RCIA has become a good mentor, friend, and supported me through a lot over the months. We're really close. I received my Catholic Bible, which I had Kathryn and Shari sign so I can remember the date of which I was given it, and I soon also was given the other book they give us through this process. I also got some new furniture this year, a nice dresser, open door book case, and a stand for my desk.
This year also marked 5 years after brain surgery or unless you want to count it the other it's 4 years. Also marks the 4 years since I created "Melissa Archer Fan Site" on Facebook which we now have over 2,000 likes, Amazing. This year also marked the day Melissa Archer returned to daytime soaps but not on One Life To Live but Days Of Our Lives which is a soap I grew up watching with my mom and grandmother Barbara. I grew up watching a lot of soap operas. This year also marked the passing of a Legend in Film, Comedy Robin Williams, and another famous face who was loved by so many and who was a huge supporter for Israel this year, Joan Rivers. It marked the one year anniversary for Paul Walker who passed November, 2013. We also lost Zoboomafoo a Lemur who was the main character on the PBS kids show back in late 1990's early 2000's, he was a big part of my childhood and we also lost the lady that did the voices for Babe the pig, Chuckie from Rugrats, Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory which is also all main characters from shows that impacted my childhood, and we also lost this year Ann B. Davis aka Alice from the Brady Bunch, Shirley Temple who was a big Icon from back way in the 1930's with her classic songs and dances she did with her very curly hair she influenced so many people even those of today, Maya Angelou a Poet one of the best of her time, Bobby Womack a Poet/ Singer, Bob Hasting known for his General Hospital days on the Soap Opera, Bob Hoskins who did many films, Big Bank Hank known for his in the Sugarhill Gang, Richard Kiel a great actor who played as a record tall giant in Films and TV shows, Matthew Cowles known on All My Children Soap Opera, Geoffrey Holder known for Annie and other films such as Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, 2005, James Garner known for the Note Book, Richard Attenborough known for Jurassic Park and Miracle on 34th Street, and The famous Author Norman Bridwell of Children's book series turned to Children's TV series on PBS Kids Clifford The Big Red Dog also passed this year a great loss that also impacted my childhood, Edward Herrmann from Gilmore girls passed today,
This year marked the beginning of the 4 blood moons, and rumors of war and wars happening, and major diseases such as Ebola, and many more. Many children loss their lives this year between the war of Israel and Hamas aka Gaza and with the new Islamic State rising up known as ISIS or ISIL killing Christians, Jews, Lower like Muslims everyone. They are wiping people out.
A lot of great Christian based films came out this year, Son of God, Heaven is for Real, God's Not Dead, Mom's night out, and so many more. It has been a year for Christian films for sure. I truly believe these films will make people see the truth, and come to Christ. Praise these amazing films.
This year started off being what I thought was the best year but turned into the worst ever in my 21 years of life. The things I had to go through, the tests, trials, tribulation etc. It made it all an eye opener that life is shorter than what we think, to not take life, love, relationship, time for granted and be thankful for those you have in you're life period. Good or bad doesn't matter. This year has taught me a lot, I've seen, heard, went, felt a lot of things this year but because of it, and it all being God's will I have come out on top a better stronger wiser loving believing faithful opened person to all things. I owe it not to myself or to the ones I love but to whom I call Father, to whom I believe, to whom I follow, to whom I trust, and to whom I love God Jesus Christ that's who.
I will leave this year as a life struggling learning faithful trusting experience and will say goodbye to it and will reflect all that has happened and that is to come, I look forward to 2015 with bigger and better hopes for a better future for me, family, friends, pets and the world. I have hopes 2015 will being more and not take as it took so much this year. So I say goodbye to 2014 and hello 2015.
Even though I still have a not so good relationship with a few family members my heart is always open to them, I love them no matter what, blood is thicker than water. I still hold out hope for the future if it is in Gods will it will be in his plans. I pray about it and maybe just maybe 2015 will be the year to bring peace, love, reconnection forgiven to my family that has been so strained apart for so long now. I hope for so much in 2015 but not to much of course. I don't want to over think things. Things will come to happen and pass as it is in Gods plan. All I can do is hope for a better future.
See y'all next year,
Brittaney Peacock-Hill
No comments:
Post a Comment